I don’t have long to spend with you – but we have those spirits

passing through our house again.  I feel them, he feels them.

I’d think you’d feel them if you were open to it.

I don’t need to tell you that last week was rough.  

I saw red and heard the bees in my ears –

my world went numb again, but he doesn’t care, 

and I’m left blue and scared.

I don’t have long to tell you – I’m grateful that you’re here.

you let me run out, even in the dark of night,

 when I see his pale face and hear his sighs.  

you help me ignore all the frogs as I try to drive down the street,

watch them bounce off my wheels, but I don’t stop.

I keep on going, keep on remaining

much like the shadows that play in our house,

and I’m gently reminded that those souls must be

welcomed here.  they have lived Sufferer’s torment more, 

they are tired of living in fear.


you’ll never know what secret thoughts I think,

entertain; as my eyes match my fogged up

window.  catch myself against the side to

keep from falling; falling from all my damn

sobbing.  secret thoughts to make this hell end.

awful thoughts, selfish thoughts.  the banana

leaves try earnestly to shake me from my

disturbing trance.  those distant violins

try to keep me awake.  they beg me to

follow their sorrow, but they have no clue

what’s in store for my crazy tomorrows.

you’ll never know what secret thoughts I think;

dark thoughts that would make you run, make you sink.


Sometimes I see you turn right in front of

me.  I wish I were blind so I would not

have to see.  One minute calm, the other

minute pain as you rip the flesh off my

palm.  I look into your eyes, but you’re not

there.  I cry and plead.  See what you’ve done to 

me?  Do you even care?  No good answers

to sing sweetly in my ears.  All I get

is your same blank stare.  How can I talk to

you, my son, when you are no longer there?



la manie

it’s nothing, it’s everything

it’s the stuff fraying at the edges

it’s the goo left in-between


try to outwit it, run and escape it

but it’s clever, it’s faster

go blind when that mania warps shit


it’s nothing, it’s everything

the ailment that’s in your brain

leaving us stuck in-between


This week has been a rough one.  I don’t even have a quasi figurative way of expressing myself right now.  The whole situation just sucks!  I wish a miracle would happen to take  away my son’s intense aggression!  I read a passage out of the Bible this morning and it explained my entire sad situation.  This Psalm has been described as the saddest passage in the entire book.  Do you agree?


Lord, you are the God who saves me;
    day and night I cry out to you.
May my prayer come before you;
    turn your ear to my cry.

I am overwhelmed with troubles
    and my life draws near to death.
I am counted among those who go down to the pit;
    I am like one without strength.
I am set apart with the dead,
    like the slain who lie in the grave,
whom you remember no more,
    who are cut off from your care.

You have put me in the lowest pit,
    in the darkest depths.
Your wrath lies heavily on me;
    you have overwhelmed me with all your waves.[d]
You have taken from me my closest friends
    and have made me repulsive to them.
I am confined and cannot escape;
    my eyes are dim with grief.

I call to you, Lord, every day;
    I spread out my hands to you.
10 Do you show your wonders to the dead?
    Do their spirits rise up and praise you?
11 Is your love declared in the grave,
    your faithfulness in Destruction[e]?
12 Are your wonders known in the place of darkness,
    or your righteous deeds in the land of oblivion?

13 But I cry to you for help, Lord;
    in the morning my prayer comes before you.
14 Why, Lord, do you reject me
    and hide your face from me?

15 From my youth I have suffered and been close to death;
    I have borne your terrors and am in despair.
16 Your wrath has swept over me;
    your terrors have destroyed me.
17 All day long they surround me like a flood;
    they have completely engulfed me.
18 You have taken from me friend and neighbor—
    darkness is my closest friend.

Psalm 88


this too

this too shall pass

I need you to think 

as you look past that jagged piece of glass

sitting on your counter reminding you

of that blood tainted dream 

you dreamt last night 

remember the dread and then relief

hang on to that fleeting feeling of fright 


this too shall pass

I need you to think

as you look into

that pool of blue sinking 

stupid girl

I know what you’re thinking 

but turn away

don’t let that horrid image stay 


this too shall pass

I need you to think 

when he warps and wraps

his sickness into your brain

makes you turn into ice

when his vapor speaks

breaks you into a thousand pieces

that slide about his pacing feet


this too shall pass

I need you to think 

of how much more you’ll take

how much more will you take?

wait till he turns his back 

then scramble your way out 

forget your shoes and move 

don’t look over your shoulder


just run, fly

much like that flock of massive crows

with their black and blue feathers

that match your arms

match your soul

depart, feel no pain

as the spiny palms try

to stop you in vain


this too shall pass

I need you to think

as you look past your life gone mad

hold back your blinding tears

let the ghostly syllables

play about in your ears

I need you to hear

this too shall pass


the panic waits till I’m asleep

lifts me from my unstable trance

to remind me that I need to feel it

that panic echoes in my ears 

“Yes, Sheila, you’re going to feel it.”


makes my heart jump and skip 

as I peel my shirt from my chest

start chanting prayers 

visualize where he’s at 

start covering him in prayer 

imagine angels by his door

his sleeping body under its wings 


tell the panic to leave me alone 

let’s go back to that unstable sleep

then tomorrow I’ll feel it, I promise 

“Yes, Sheila, you’re gonna feel it.”


big stream of little tears 

hands shaking off 

massive fears

the grieving left

but now I’m waiting 

for it all to come back to me 

God – please don’t let it

come back to me

let the child that I now see

stay forever 

i welcome a miraculous mystery


this beaten down shell of a woman 

the one with the grandest dreams 

grew tired of seeing her shadow at the bottom


let the violins lead her out of the water

to take a walk under the August sun 


unafraid to 

journey for days on end without sleep 

burdened with thirst but not take a drink

until that duty called her back in 

to cut her feet on those flawed, broken shells 

back in to swim with the eels

back to the that beaten down shell of a woman

like me



Don’t give in to the weight of slumber closing in on your eyes.

Pulling your eyelids down quick as shades in the night.

For when you sleep, they scurry towards you with angry faces and jagged lips.

Running, screaming, crawling – these lost creatures.

Souls horrendously pining, hopelessly wanting.

Souls wasting away, missing loved ones, longing for their return.

Souls wanting total freedom, total peace, their ticket home.

They beg for forgiveness – these horrid creatures.  You can’t bear to listen.  Not tonight.

Right now, choose not to play their torrid games.  See them fly towards you, slam the

door only to witness their turmoil.

Their long cold fingers reaching, searching under your door.

Don’t give in to the weight of slumber closing in on your eyes.

For it is always you they want to fight.