it’s hard to accept my fate when i’m running from it.
tripping over my feet while getting slapped in the face by
the palms trying to hold me back. forcing me to stop,
to pluck the thorns from my eye, ignoring the thoughts that
i’m not ready to die. so i think back to before
and it’s easy to remember that i held you first. but
you can’t remember i was the one that loved you first.
it’s hard to accept the passing of time, counting all those
desperate moments that i call you mine. watching you run out
the doors, tossing rocks at the cars, throwing the chairs to
the floor. watching you grow faint from screaming all those gory
words. and now i grow faint as i watch the roads
turn to grass – lose my hearing, feel my voice not make
a sound. but it’s easy to remember i felt you first.
easy to remember i was the one that loved you first.
watched you burn our mouths with gooey, orange
marshmallows; the sting made us close our eyes.
cringing, watched you sprinkle Tang on the floor.
it stuck to my feet as i envisioned
so many bangs; my dumb brain felt the heat.
watched the smoke rise above the green buds with
pink tips while rubbing my arms; damn arms felt
whipped. watched you tear through my muscles just like
they were cotton. watched you forget all the
sweet words i spoke; good life, it’s forgotten.
you felt too much once,
feel too much still.
his pain was your pain,
like his pain is my pain,
now and always will.
you cried too much once,
cry too much still.
with hearts crumbling,
we loved too much,
once and always will.
Sometimes I see you turn right in front of
me. I wish I were blind so I would not
have to see. One minute calm, the other
minute pain as you rip the flesh off my
palm. I look into your eyes, but you’re not
there. I cry and plead. See what you’ve done to
me? Do you even care? No good answers
to sing sweetly in my ears. All I get
is your same blank stare. How can I talk to
you, my son, when you are no longer there?
it’s nothing, it’s everything
it’s the stuff fraying at the edges
it’s the goo left in-between
try to outwit it, run and escape it
but it’s clever, it’s faster
go blind when that mania warps shit
it’s nothing, it’s everything
the ailment that’s in your brain
leaving us stuck in-between
I want to build a house by the coal sea.
You say Mr. Take Awayer won’t find us
there by the dark sea that rocks us to sleep.
Mr. Take Awayer will wear a shabby
garb of white. You tell me he floats sideways
in the contrast of night. Always at night.
By the vast sea I pray his calls are drowned
out by the violent waves and rocky shore.
He beckons to deceive you far from me.
But you won’t hear him I promise. I swear.
I hope you’ll be happy, hope we are too.
When I build a house by the jet black sea
and every night have its torment sway us
to dreamland. Find comfort knowing it could
swallow us, forgetting this pain on earth.
Hidden afar from Mr. Take Awayer.
think it’s raining
it’s only my tears
hitting the hardwood
falling heavier than
I thought they could
they’ve taken on a
life of their own
my tear drops crying back to me
wanting to bring me home
my tear drops know that
I can’t even speak
can’t even pray
but they know
He knows my thoughts
I don’t have anything
new to say
all the while
thinking it’s raining
big stream of little tears
hands shaking off
the grieving left
but now I’m waiting
for it all to come back to me
God – please don’t let it
come back to me
let the child that I now see
i welcome a miraculous mystery
this beaten down shell of a woman
the one with the grandest dreams
grew tired of seeing her shadow at the bottom
let the violins lead her out of the water
to take a walk under the August sun
journey for days on end without sleep
burdened with thirst but not take a drink
until that duty called her back in
to cut her feet on those flawed, broken shells
back in to swim with the eels
back to the that beaten down shell of a woman