view

Set the cotton candy mounds ablaze;

transformed their blue haze

to grey.

Tried not to look back at the bridge that

called so boldly out

to me.

Imagined me atop its railing;

set to spring forth up

to them.

Mind wandered to that dying bunny

in the yard we found

last night.

Heart sunk and wished I’d held it so it

wouldn’t be afraid

to die.

Today you checked on it. Still breathing;

its glassed eyes on the

blue sky.

Put it in a bag; tied it tight.  To

end its misery;

its fight.

Peeked on it later; its shut eyes now

at peace.  Walked away

to cry.

hush-hush

Have you grown weary of our clandestine

meetings?  You seem impatient with all my

weeping.  My tears getting mingled with my

drinking.  Drops of salt make it taste better

anyway.  The grief tastes sweet, begging to stay.

 

How long will it be?  How long will this grief

remain?  Tired of waking up sad mourning

in the morning.  Would rather smile back at

you, something I’ve forgotten how to do.

Could we forgive us?  Could we even try?

 

With hushed words in secret places in the

dark holes of our home; he waits and spies on

us.  We stop our chatter and vow to try

tomorrow.  Let our clandestine meetings

last.  Let’s be strong.  Let’s ruin this sorrow.

tears

kneeling, praying

think it’s raining

but

it’s only my tears

hitting the hardwood

falling heavier than

I thought they could

 

they’ve taken on a

life of their own

my tear drops crying back to me

wanting to bring me home

 

my tear drops know that

I can’t even speak

can’t even pray

but they know

He knows my thoughts

I don’t have anything

new to say

 

kneeling, praying

and

all the while

thinking it’s raining

 

 

searching

This week has been a rough one.  I don’t even have a quasi figurative way of expressing myself right now.  The whole situation just sucks!  I wish a miracle would happen to take  away my son’s intense aggression!  I read a passage out of the Bible this morning and it explained my entire sad situation.  This Psalm has been described as the saddest passage in the entire book.  Do you agree?

 

Lord, you are the God who saves me;
    day and night I cry out to you.
May my prayer come before you;
    turn your ear to my cry.

I am overwhelmed with troubles
    and my life draws near to death.
I am counted among those who go down to the pit;
    I am like one without strength.
I am set apart with the dead,
    like the slain who lie in the grave,
whom you remember no more,
    who are cut off from your care.

You have put me in the lowest pit,
    in the darkest depths.
Your wrath lies heavily on me;
    you have overwhelmed me with all your waves.[d]
You have taken from me my closest friends
    and have made me repulsive to them.
I am confined and cannot escape;
    my eyes are dim with grief.

I call to you, Lord, every day;
    I spread out my hands to you.
10 Do you show your wonders to the dead?
    Do their spirits rise up and praise you?
11 Is your love declared in the grave,
    your faithfulness in Destruction[e]?
12 Are your wonders known in the place of darkness,
    or your righteous deeds in the land of oblivion?

13 But I cry to you for help, Lord;
    in the morning my prayer comes before you.
14 Why, Lord, do you reject me
    and hide your face from me?

15 From my youth I have suffered and been close to death;
    I have borne your terrors and am in despair.
16 Your wrath has swept over me;
    your terrors have destroyed me.
17 All day long they surround me like a flood;
    they have completely engulfed me.
18 You have taken from me friend and neighbor—
    darkness is my closest friend.

Psalm 88

 

this too

this too shall pass

I need you to think 

as you look past that jagged piece of glass

sitting on your counter reminding you

of that blood tainted dream 

you dreamt last night 

remember the dread and then relief

hang on to that fleeting feeling of fright 

 

this too shall pass

I need you to think

as you look into

that pool of blue sinking 

stupid girl

I know what you’re thinking 

but turn away

don’t let that horrid image stay 

 

this too shall pass

I need you to think 

when he warps and wraps

his sickness into your brain

makes you turn into ice

when his vapor speaks

breaks you into a thousand pieces

that slide about his pacing feet

 

this too shall pass

I need you to think 

of how much more you’ll take

how much more will you take?

wait till he turns his back 

then scramble your way out 

forget your shoes and move 

don’t look over your shoulder

 

just run, fly

much like that flock of massive crows

with their black and blue feathers

that match your arms

match your soul

depart, feel no pain

as the spiny palms try

to stop you in vain

 

this too shall pass

I need you to think

as you look past your life gone mad

hold back your blinding tears

let the ghostly syllables

play about in your ears

I need you to hear

this too shall pass

break

red chameleon beckoned me out 

entranced me with its glossy glaze

matched the blood that fell from me

walked past the broken grill

with the torn black cover

said hello to the baby leaves 

and

let the purple tendrils wrap themselves 

around my knees

“Stay with us forever!”

I pretend to hear them plead

What beautiful, caring creatures – I think 

look up at the black

feel the moisture run down my back

marvel that it’s too humid to even breathe

watch the red chameleon crawl into

a place that I cannot go 

we all can’t be Alice that gets to fall

into that glorious rabbit hole 

look away – rip my eyes from its gaze

feel the purple tendrils unwrap their grip

from my knees 

go back into my crumbling house

ignore their saddened stance

ignore their fictitious pleas

panic

the panic waits till I’m asleep

lifts me from my unstable trance

to remind me that I need to feel it

that panic echoes in my ears 

“Yes, Sheila, you’re going to feel it.”

 

makes my heart jump and skip 

as I peel my shirt from my chest

start chanting prayers 

visualize where he’s at 

start covering him in prayer 

imagine angels by his door

his sleeping body under its wings 

 

tell the panic to leave me alone 

let’s go back to that unstable sleep

then tomorrow I’ll feel it, I promise 

“Yes, Sheila, you’re gonna feel it.”

home

big stream of little tears 

hands shaking off 

massive fears

the grieving left

but now I’m waiting 

for it all to come back to me 

God – please don’t let it

come back to me

let the child that I now see

stay forever 

i welcome a miraculous mystery

hard time

You know it’s been difficult.  I don’t need to remind you when you already feel the pulse of the beast that ails us.  Hear the unmentionables of the many voices that seem to spew out of his mouth to poison our ears.  Oh God, why is that voice in my own ears?  See the shadow lurking around the corner taking the breath from our lungs one molecule at a time.  Running away swiftly from his sighs when it’s dark.  I wake up blind in the middle of the night thinking about these times.

Cry out for help but not one person hears.  People witness the crimes but turn around as if I were a ghost.  As if we were all ghosts.  I want to scream, “Can’t you see us?  Do you see this?”

But I yell only at clouds – vapor that takes my consonants and vowels and swirls them around till they grow into an angry twister that finds its way back to me.  It always finds its way back to me.  To rip me into shreds, fill my heart with dread, and slam my head to the floor whispering, “Are you ready for more?”

I don’t know how much more I can take, when at any given moment, while sitting at the kitchen table, my eyeballs explode with sadness.  The drooping orchid that has not yet bloomed reminds me of this.  Our crumbling house reminds me of this.  The blue hue and scars on my arms reminds me of this.  Being stuck is this.  What life is this.

I don’t know how much more you can take, when at the same table, during a different meal; I watch your tired eyes swell up with tears so large I’d need a bucket to collect them all.  And my heart silently breaks watching each one fall.