searching

This week has been a rough one.  I don’t even have a quasi figurative way of expressing myself right now.  The whole situation just sucks!  I wish a miracle would happen to take  away my son’s intense aggression!  I read a passage out of the Bible this morning and it explained my entire sad situation.  This Psalm has been described as the saddest passage in the entire book.  Do you agree?

 

Lord, you are the God who saves me;
    day and night I cry out to you.
May my prayer come before you;
    turn your ear to my cry.

I am overwhelmed with troubles
    and my life draws near to death.
I am counted among those who go down to the pit;
    I am like one without strength.
I am set apart with the dead,
    like the slain who lie in the grave,
whom you remember no more,
    who are cut off from your care.

You have put me in the lowest pit,
    in the darkest depths.
Your wrath lies heavily on me;
    you have overwhelmed me with all your waves.[d]
You have taken from me my closest friends
    and have made me repulsive to them.
I am confined and cannot escape;
    my eyes are dim with grief.

I call to you, Lord, every day;
    I spread out my hands to you.
10 Do you show your wonders to the dead?
    Do their spirits rise up and praise you?
11 Is your love declared in the grave,
    your faithfulness in Destruction[e]?
12 Are your wonders known in the place of darkness,
    or your righteous deeds in the land of oblivion?

13 But I cry to you for help, Lord;
    in the morning my prayer comes before you.
14 Why, Lord, do you reject me
    and hide your face from me?

15 From my youth I have suffered and been close to death;
    I have borne your terrors and am in despair.
16 Your wrath has swept over me;
    your terrors have destroyed me.
17 All day long they surround me like a flood;
    they have completely engulfed me.
18 You have taken from me friend and neighbor—
    darkness is my closest friend.

Psalm 88

 

parting

when you took my hand you let your fingers

linger on mine a little longer than usual

made me think you were saying goodbye

much like

when you hold the hand

of a loved one that’s about to die

 

couldn’t be good news, I’d think

the way you just left me

watched you walk away

one part of me not caring

the other part wanting you to stay

 

gone and back again

moss tangled, lingering down their branches

beautiful, flowing ribbons of brown

rows and rows and rows of them

massive nest of that moss

ushered us out of the state

while the giant water storm

she spins and waits

 

coming back those tangled masses of feathery moss

looked more like decapitated heads

with their dried blood

and muddy footprints all around

the wind beaten ground

evidence that they fought

proof that they tried to run

a far cry from the trees we left behind

the ones with the beautiful crowns

standing tall, waiting for the change

caused a flood of memories to rush back to me

overwhelm me

made me not want to return to my sunshine state

but

we did and here we are

44 hours we spent in that car

back to this

back to the same

home

big stream of little tears 

hands shaking off 

massive fears

the grieving left

but now I’m waiting 

for it all to come back to me 

God – please don’t let it

come back to me

let the child that I now see

stay forever 

i welcome a miraculous mystery

can’t

 

I can’t even enjoy the rain anymore.

I’m always pacing, reaching for the door. 

I can’t even savor my meals anymore.

I’m always eating while standing; 

hurriedly chewing and choking. 

I can’t even stand my showers anymore.

That water hurts my burgundy 

striped shoulders.

I can’t even stand to stand anymore.

The gorilla on my back just keeps 

getting older. 

I can’t even love my words anymore. 

They just sit here pretty like, 

as a constant reminder that 

I just can’t anymore.