can’t

 

I can’t even enjoy the rain anymore.

I’m always pacing, reaching for the door. 

I can’t even savor my meals anymore.

I’m always eating while standing; 

hurriedly chewing and choking. 

I can’t even stand my showers anymore.

That water hurts my burgundy 

striped shoulders.

I can’t even stand to stand anymore.

The gorilla on my back just keeps 

getting older. 

I can’t even love my words anymore. 

They just sit here pretty like, 

as a constant reminder that 

I just can’t anymore.

 

 

 

delusions

 

Don’t give in to the weight of slumber closing in on your eyes.

Pulling your eyelids down quick as shades in the night.

For when you sleep, they scurry towards you with angry faces and jagged lips.

Running, screaming, crawling – these lost creatures.

Souls horrendously pining, hopelessly wanting.

Souls wasting away, missing loved ones, longing for their return.

Souls wanting total freedom, total peace, their ticket home.

They beg for forgiveness – these horrid creatures.  You can’t bear to listen.  Not tonight.

Right now, choose not to play their torrid games.  See them fly towards you, slam the

door only to witness their turmoil.

Their long cold fingers reaching, searching under your door.

Don’t give in to the weight of slumber closing in on your eyes.

For it is always you they want to fight.

defeated

broken

before she peels herself out of bed

counting the minutes before she’s back there

hears the chatter outside her head,

but she ignores it, sighs

looks out the window

wills herself out there…

to go wherever they’re going

wonder what his cigarette tastes like

wonder how that ink feels flush against the skin

blush, have to look away

wonder if that was a sin

 

surely she’s more than this

to just sit here, sit here and just exist

to take up this space

longing to have the laughter last

waiting for life to return to her face

she wishes herself to be anywhere,

any place else, away from this chaos

but alas, she remains, sighs

broken

before she peels herself out of bed

sliver of something

I was raised in a field of buttercups, milk dribbled down my chin. I knew no hunger and what evil belonged to men.

I’m running through the buttercups 

chasing the light

flitting around like those monarch  butterflies

we saw way back when 

 

I’m running through the buttercups 

blinded by their strength

upright, perfect

wipe their charm from my brow

 

I’ll rely on their light

to lift me up,

brighten my mood,

those lovely, compassionate buttercups

a time ago

the glass looked divine tonight,

thank you for the suggestion

laughed at the silly pelicans scooping

at their reflection

saw my profile in the clouds,

a reminder that I’m only vapor

saw the pink streamers reach out

from the heavens

and

the black bird tried to distract my view

as I watched the seagulls get lost behind the waves

 

the glass looked divine tonight,

as the coral water sheened

looked behind the lifeguard stand,

saw the orange gulp down the white

watched you go into the water

under that sleepy light

and

it really did look divine tonight,

thank you for the suggestion

help

you know more than what I’d tell a friend

privy to the situation you are

my business of

waiting hopelessly for my heart to mend

knowing this problem is just a drop in the ocean

but it keeps coming down like a wave

taunting, waiting for my spirit to cave

how I wish you’d help him

Come on!

help me, rescue us already

just dive in the ocean and swim

before

before

the numbness set in

she had a great deal to say

but that damn sadness crept in

sly little imp, it was

before

the crying spells set in

she had so many plans for the day

but that damn loss of hope crept in

clever little demon, it was

before

the emptiness set in

she used to pray and pray

but that damn nothingness crept in

cruel little devil, it was

and

she lost her words, lost her memory

so unfortunate,

she had so many beautiful memories

but that was

before

i forgot

I’m an object, I’m a thing

far from a human being

but

I feel the pain again

I swam so much, I

forgot how to swim

let me just rot away

wishing for another day

 

I’m an object, I’m a thing

far from a human being

but

my ears buzz with every scream

I dreamt so much, I

forgot how to dream

my arms are torn

damn flesh is worn

 

I’m an object, I’m a thing

far from a human being

but

tonight my soul took flight

I cried so much, I

forgot how to cry

pointless words spoken

my only heart broken

 

I’m an object, I’m a thing

far from a human being

but

I saw the ghosts turn into the willow trees

I was so much, I

forgot how to be

abandoned, dead inside

no breath left, but still alive

here

I feel like I’m on an island

all alone,

in this stupid paradise

been here 5 years

since we ran from the corn and ice

but I was happy then

it wasn’t perfect but we had a life

 

I miss people, I miss talking

in that wonderful coffee shop

you know, the one next

to the bookstore that looked like a vault

instead I’m here

placing blame, saying, it’s not my fault

 

Now surrounded by palm trees

and endless sun, I’m here

crestfallen, and jumping out of my skin

when the coconuts fall

stopping fast when the lizards zip past

having baby panic attacks in the shower

when distant door slams sound like blasts

 

But I’m trying – here in paradise

missing your laugh, missing mine

while fixing my margarita or

pouring my wine

I’m here regretting the years

we’ve lost to Old Man Time

 

I feel like I’m alone on an island

and

I’ll remember the golden aura

around the moon

as you go your own way

I’ll remember all the wonderful

things we wanted to do, someday

here, alone on this island

I’ll remain, I have to stay