please forgive him,
he does not know what he is doing
and will not understand
not ever, even if explained
a thousand times a thousand times
can I even call them crimes?
please forgive him,
he is always sorry afterwards
after the fury,
after the torment, after the pain
after the harm, after the hurry
after the anger scurries
when the sadness buries
he says, “Please forgive me!”
and asks, “Does God forgive me?
without looking at him, I reply
“Yes, He forgives you.”
and I do too,
I always do
Do you remember the seashore? Do you remember the water? How it cooled us, held us, renewed us that day on the shore.
That day where we escaped what we’re going through and just focused on the crests of foam breaking down as it came in twos, chasing each other; only to be crushed by the bigger waves that almost always followed. It always seems to follow. But for those few hours – we pretended that it would not. We closed our eyes and felt the sun soothe us, we calmed our trembling brains. We breathed in the salt air – tasted it on our lips. Breathed it in again and held our breath. Is this what peace feels like? Stillness. Roaring in our ears.
Opposite of being lost in the fire where our whispers turn to shouts. Remembering all the battles, but the scars we’ve lost count. Fleeing from the panicked, pale creature with the crazed blue eyes and drowning out the threats to die, his sighs, the cries.
Perhaps that is why I liked it there, I’m nothing compared to that vast place. In that place, I was only between the sand and the sun; I wasn’t an emotional stress ball for my autistic son.
That day, I reclined and watched you play in the water. The sun sprayed off your back and you looked happy. The possibilities were endless and you sang with the mermaids in my dreams that night. I watched the seagulls choreograph a flight to the violins that played in my head. Those beautiful violins. Is this what mercy feels like? Those moments, that place.