the panic waits till I’m asleep
lifts me from my unstable trance
to remind me that I need to feel it
that panic echoes in my ears
“Yes, Sheila, you’re going to feel it.”
makes my heart jump and skip
as I peel my shirt from my chest
start chanting prayers
visualize where he’s at
start covering him in prayer
imagine angels by his door
his sleeping body under its wings
tell the panic to leave me alone
let’s go back to that unstable sleep
then tomorrow I’ll feel it, I promise
“Yes, Sheila, you’re gonna feel it.”
big stream of little tears
hands shaking off
the grieving left
but now I’m waiting
for it all to come back to me
God – please don’t let it
come back to me
let the child that I now see
i welcome a miraculous mystery
I can’t even enjoy the rain anymore.
I’m always pacing, reaching for the door.
I can’t even savor my meals anymore.
I’m always eating while standing;
hurriedly chewing and choking.
I can’t even stand my showers anymore.
That water hurts my burgundy
I can’t even stand to stand anymore.
The gorilla on my back just keeps
I can’t even love my words anymore.
They just sit here pretty like,
as a constant reminder that
I just can’t anymore.