you can’t recognize that happiness
you wore twelve years ago
your eyes so full of stupid hope
before it hit you, before he hit you
now you have to force the
gold into your brown
darken that kohl to match your fading hair
listen to post’s “blame it on me”
invite that pervert in
to taste your dried up lipstick
make you look away to blush
and wait for the flames to hit
gave a gorilla a teacup and he crumbled it before
I could reach out, I tried my best not to cry
over that ancient porcelain
I tried again and it happened over and over until
the floor was covered with shards of my past
went to bed perplexed that my praise didn’t
motivate him enough to care to keep them
or at least to want to make me happy
rested my head upon my aged pillow
among the dust, among the plaster
dreamt of gorillas with their array of fractured teacups
and their damned gigantic buckets of laughter
after it tempted me with its stalky teasers
showing me its many scarlet hats
I saw her camouflaged behind the leaves
dull brown hiding her ruddy brown
with her head looking down
I heard her call out a song to distract me
then watched her fly away
broke my heart she didn’t want to stay
you’ll never know what secret thoughts I think,
entertain; as my eyes match my fogged up
window. catch myself against the side to
keep from falling; falling from all my damn
sobbing. secret thoughts to make this hell end.
awful thoughts, selfish thoughts. the banana
leaves try earnestly to shake me from my
disturbing trance. those distant violins
try to keep me awake. they beg me to
follow their sorrow, but they have no clue
what’s in store for my crazy tomorrows.
you’ll never know what secret thoughts I think;
dark thoughts that would make you run, make you sink.
watched you burn our mouths with gooey, orange
marshmallows; the sting made us close our eyes.
cringing, watched you sprinkle Tang on the floor.
it stuck to my feet as i envisioned
so many bangs; my dumb brain felt the heat.
watched the smoke rise above the green buds with
pink tips while rubbing my arms; damn arms felt
whipped. watched you tear through my muscles just like
they were cotton. watched you forget all the
sweet words i spoke; good life, it’s forgotten.
gently place the bow to string. tiptoe on
ice, nearly silent.
how do you do it?
appear and then leave almost without a
trace, but I witness your shadow depart.
I reach out to air to find no one there.
here, nearly silent.
how do you do that?
Set the cotton candy mounds ablaze;
transformed their blue haze
Tried not to look back at the bridge that
called so boldly out
Imagined me atop its railing;
set to spring forth up
Mind wandered to that dying bunny
in the yard we found
Heart sunk and wished I’d held it so it
wouldn’t be afraid
Today you checked on it. Still breathing;
its glassed eyes on the
Put it in a bag; tied it tight. To
end its misery;
Peeked on it later; its shut eyes now
at peace. Walked away
it’s nothing, it’s everything
it’s the stuff fraying at the edges
it’s the goo left in-between
try to outwit it, run and escape it
but it’s clever, it’s faster
go blind when that mania warps shit
it’s nothing, it’s everything
the ailment that’s in your brain
leaving us stuck in-between
Have you grown weary of our clandestine
meetings? You seem impatient with all my
weeping. My tears getting mingled with my
drinking. Drops of salt make it taste better
anyway. The grief tastes sweet, begging to stay.
How long will it be? How long will this grief
remain? Tired of waking up sad mourning
in the morning. Would rather smile back at
you, something I’ve forgotten how to do.
Could we forgive us? Could we even try?
With hushed words in secret places in the
dark holes of our home; he waits and spies on
us. We stop our chatter and vow to try
tomorrow. Let our clandestine meetings
last. Let’s be strong. Let’s ruin this sorrow.
I want to build a house by the coal sea.
You say Mr. Take Awayer won’t find us
there by the dark sea that rocks us to sleep.
Mr. Take Awayer will wear a shabby
garb of white. You tell me he floats sideways
in the contrast of night. Always at night.
By the vast sea I pray his calls are drowned
out by the violent waves and rocky shore.
He beckons to deceive you far from me.
But you won’t hear him I promise. I swear.
I hope you’ll be happy, hope we are too.
When I build a house by the jet black sea
and every night have its torment sway us
to dreamland. Find comfort knowing it could
swallow us, forgetting this pain on earth.
Hidden afar from Mr. Take Awayer.