you’ll never know what secret thoughts I think,
entertain; as my eyes match my fogged up
window. catch myself against the side to
keep from falling; falling from all my damn
sobbing. secret thoughts to make this hell end.
awful thoughts, selfish thoughts. the banana
leaves try earnestly to shake me from my
disturbing trance. those distant violins
try to keep me awake. they beg me to
follow their sorrow, but they have no clue
what’s in store for my crazy tomorrows.
you’ll never know what secret thoughts I think;
dark thoughts that would make you run, make you sink.
watched you burn our mouths with gooey, orange
marshmallows; the sting made us close our eyes.
cringing, watched you sprinkle Tang on the floor.
it stuck to my feet as i envisioned
so many bangs; my dumb brain felt the heat.
watched the smoke rise above the green buds with
pink tips while rubbing my arms; damn arms felt
whipped. watched you tear through my muscles just like
they were cotton. watched you forget all the
sweet words i spoke; good life, it’s forgotten.
gently place the bow to string. tiptoe on
ice, nearly silent. how do you do it?
appear and then leave almost without a
trace, but I witness your shadow depart.
I reach out to air to find no one there.
here, nearly silent. how do you do that?
Set the cotton candy mounds ablaze;
transformed their blue haze
Tried not to look back at the bridge that
called so boldly out
Imagined me atop its railing;
set to spring forth up
Mind wandered to that dying bunny
in the yard we found
Heart sunk and wished I’d held it so it
wouldn’t be afraid
Today you checked on it. Still breathing;
its glassed eyes on the
Put it in a bag; tied it tight. To
end its misery;
Peeked on it later; its shut eyes now
at peace. Walked away
it’s nothing, it’s everything
it’s the stuff fraying at the edges
it’s the goo left in-between
try to outwit it, run and escape it
but it’s clever, it’s faster
go blind when that mania warps shit
it’s nothing, it’s everything
the ailment that’s in your brain
leaving us stuck in-between
Have you grown weary of our clandestine
meetings? You seem impatient with all my
weeping. My tears getting mingled with my
drinking. Drops of salt make it taste better
anyway. The grief tastes sweet, begging to stay.
How long will it be? How long will this grief
remain? Tired of waking up sad mourning
in the morning. Would rather smile back at
you, something I’ve forgotten how to do.
Could we forgive us? Could we even try?
With hushed words in secret places in the
dark holes of our home; he waits and spies on
us. We stop our chatter and vow to try
tomorrow. Let our clandestine meetings
last. Let’s be strong. Let’s ruin this sorrow.
I want to build a house by the coal sea.
You say Mr. Take Awayer won’t find us
there by the dark sea that rocks us to sleep.
Mr. Take Awayer will wear a shabby
garb of white. You tell me he floats sideways
in the contrast of night. Always at night.
By the vast sea I pray his calls are drowned
out by the violent waves and rocky shore.
He beckons to deceive you far from me.
But you won’t hear him I promise. I swear.
I hope you’ll be happy, hope we are too.
When I build a house by the jet black sea
and every night have its torment sway us
to dreamland. Find comfort knowing it could
swallow us, forgetting this pain on earth.
Hidden afar from Mr. Take Awayer.
think it’s raining
it’s only my tears
hitting the hardwood
falling heavier than
I thought they could
they’ve taken on a
life of their own
my tear drops crying back to me
wanting to bring me home
my tear drops know that
I can’t even speak
can’t even pray
but they know
He knows my thoughts
I don’t have anything
new to say
all the while
thinking it’s raining
making me hunger for winter
the way the marble meets the sleepy sun’s
rouge that lingers in the evening
causing pangs I didn’t even know existed
thought I had my fill many years ago
when my feet were frozen to the ground
when I was surviving waist-high
in that frigid, blinding snow
when you took my hand you let your fingers
linger on mine a little longer than usual
made me think you were saying goodbye
when you hold the hand
of a loved one that’s about to die
couldn’t be good news I’d think,
the way you just left me
watched you walk away
one part of me not caring
the other part wanting you to stay